I wish I had a magical beautiful story to tell you, of a life lived in this holistic spiritual way, being granted all these great gifts people talk of. The honest truth is, if I had met myself now when I was in my 20s, I would have thought I was nuts. I probably would have made fun of me if I’m completely honest. And then more recently I spent years thinking because this was not a perfect story of my holistic life, who was I to step out and share my messy version that lead me here. But I must stay true to my values and practice what I preach, just in case it makes a difference to one person. So here I am... mess and all.
My life and business partner David has a running joke that he has been married to three women. When the reality is he has just been married to three versions of me. The motivated go-getter who burnt herself out being so disconnected from who she was to survive. Consumed by the external expectations and judgments around me. My life was built on pretence. Having built up an impeccable air of confidence, fun, and success but secretly filled with anxiety, layers of trauma that consumed me, and a constant fear of failure. I never thought I was enough…..smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough the list is endless. I moved through life at a million miles an hour looking for any quick fix to patch up the holes, analysing everything anyone said to me, and striving for love, acceptance, and approval all whilst pretending I didn’t need any of it.
The second version of me was the one who of course could not maintain the first. I suffered deep dark bouts of depression, anxiety, and OCD, followed by various physical conditions that I kept hidden until it became impossible to hide after I had my son through a traumatic birth and an ongoing inability to sleep. I had lost all sense of who I was and felt deeply lost and alone despite having everything I had always wanted, the most amazing house, career opportunities, husband, and finally after fertility issues my beautiful child. The shame in this and the noise in my head was unbearable and I knew that I owed it to my son to try another way.
This was where the journey to my true self began intertwined with the other two of course, along with all the lessons I has already learned. Therapy helped me unpick things and moments of calm and joy came back into my life as I leaned more into my spiritual and yoga practice with less ego and gripping and studied the real teachings. Learned meditation, brought in small rituals and holistic therapies, and finally started my journey with energy work. I began to understand my own behaviors and patterns and feel into the discomfort. I distinguished what was mine and what was what others had layered on me through no fault of their own or mine. Knowing that things were not ok but that I’m ok now. I connected to my love of nature and all she offers. I started to recognise what gave me joy, connected to my intuition and started to follow it. This eventually led to who I am now.
The other two raise their heads sometimes and I’m ok with that, in fact right now as I am writing this piece the first version is here, and I can feel them being triggered. The voice in my head screaming at me to delete it all, it's not needed. People will judge you. I thank them for helping me survive through a time when I knew no better, and understand that this is a lifetime's work I have to do. I try to lean into my intuition and acknowledge the fear in me that may never be extinguished completely. I try to be in the present moment.
I have met so many wonderful friends and customers who inspire me every day and bravely share their stories with me. It is clear there is no one path or right way to do anything, no one practice to ‘fix’ us and to live this life. Not everyone needs dramatic stories of struggles to feel like they are not living in balance and alignment and it doesn’t make their struggle any less valid or important. It’s about finding your way and connecting to yourself and allowing others to do the same without judgement.
My wish is that Native Self might facilitate someone’s journey along the way. Maybe that book to inspire you, a reminder for a little me time, a technique taught in a workshop, a soulful gift given with love, a community to share and be heard, or just a smile and a chat on a bad day with some yummy smells around to comfort. In its simplest form, the space reflects what I have found so far in my journey and will grow and change as we do. Because that is the beauty of independent businesses. We are the people behind them at every turn.
But who is David married to now?
He says his favourite version, albeit exhausting. This me is full of feelings allowing them all in under my control (most of the time), and I’m not afraid to communicate them. Passionate about nature and all things holistic that bring us back to our true nature. Passionate about empowering people to become all they wish to be. I believe we all have these gifts people speak of and a connection to something bigger than ourselves, it’s just some are buried deeper than others, and all these gifts are different but equal in value. It’s never too late to change the story if you feel you have more to give.
I’m an energy practitioner myself now watching the power of what reiki and crystal therapy can do daily. I am forever the student, forever growing and learning what the earth has to offer. Now I am an optimist who dreams of a world where we can all lift each other up and support one another in a true community. A world where we can have the time to fill our own cups so we can reach our full potential and truly be there for those around us. A world where we can be self-aware and authentic by owning our feelings and choices without shame. Where people do the true work to understand themselves, mind body, and soul, with full compassion, and meet others with the same.
Some may think it is naive, and I don’t live in the real world, but I believe this is how the real world is meant to be and that we create the world we live in. Plus I tried the other way and I know where that leads for me.
We can’t change the world, but we can change ourselves.
Dave and I both thank you from the bottom of our hearts for reading this and for supporting our little business xx